i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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