i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
