I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
