How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
