I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
