I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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