New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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