I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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