Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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