How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
