Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
