Swine flu. Run for my life!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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