I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Two words: blizzard sex
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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