david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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