I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
