Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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