she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
