Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
