totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
