I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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