He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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