I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
