I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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