I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
