i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
