drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
