I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
