She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
