the condom got lost in my hair
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
