I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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