just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
