I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
