We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
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