so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
