My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
