Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
