i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who died my cat blue again?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
