My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
