i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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