Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
