sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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