I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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