I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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