I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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