There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
