got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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