these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
