So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
