i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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