wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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