This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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