i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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