Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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