I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
