Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize