you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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