Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
