saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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