I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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